Made it through the Neutropenic Stage

Sorry I haven't updated since the 12th, but I really have had a rough time of it lately. I came home from the hospital with my new picline on the 17th and then tried to prepare for Megan's 15th Birthday. I told her she could have a few friends over that Saturday the 20th. It was a great party, more kids that I expected though. I gave Meg a hard time of it, although I shouldn't have, everyone had fun and they were a great group of kids. I thought my counts would still be up and I would still have strength. I was more frustrated I couldn't enjoy it as much because I was weak. I was an idiot and raked for a few minutes Saturday morning and well... caused my pickline to begin leaking a little and that was the beginning of a scary time. Neutropenia came a little sooner and I need some transfusions on Tuesday. They saw my pickline and informed me if the redness got worse we would have to pull it and of course if I got a fever Iwas to come right into the ER. Ughh. From Tuesday night to Friday night I battled low grade fevers. I'm supposed to go to the ER with anything over 100.4 but the doctor let me slide knowing I did not want to be at the hospital. He raised the limit to 101.1 I actually hit that on Thursday, but drank a couple of bottles of water, called out to some prayer warrior friends and waited a half hour to check my temp. Praise God! it went down to 100.1 Yipee I stayed home and my fever teetered around 100.3 on Friday but by Saturday morning I was back around 97.6 . All week I ate nothing but whole foods, drank lots of water and took juice plus supplements. I guess there's something to this way of eating that made a difference. I stayed home and was able to fight off the fevers on my own. I'm sold!
In addition to being bound to my bed fighting fevers, I've been on an emotional roller coaster facing hard questions about what I've done with my life thus far; have I been a good mother? good wife? OOOOH they are tough things to look at and see my failures and wonder was there enough good. Natalie Grant's song the Real Me has been a comfort to me, and a good friend recommended Jim read for me Psalm 86. I had him read it over and over. You know the verse where Jesus says "deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me."(Matt 16:24) Its more like die to self which is very painful, but it promises to yield something more beautiful His work in our life and plan, which is GOOD. He Loves us and wants the best for us, just like we do for our own kids. I'm holding on to the more beautiful. I'm trusting that the vine dresser knows how to shape me into something beautiful, because he's cut off some of my branches.. even ones that had some fruit. (John 15) I'm going to follow His lead because mine hasn't always been good fruit. I can't promise it will be easy, but I'm pressing on.

Love, Edie